Post by jack hamilton on Feb 2, 2011 1:40:40 GMT -5
the Torture Story
Gentlemen,
This is a true story.
As far as a proper category, a guy gets tortured but it isn't horror,
it is funny but it isn't humor, is it a short story?
I am still trying to figure that one out.
2001, I woke up from a coma in Baylor Hospital.
It had been five weeks since the wreck and my motorcycle was gone.
Good bye Old Thunder.
The Torture Story
Alexia was the first therapist I met in the hospital.
She came over to meet me in the hospital when I was still in bed and said something about seeing if I was suitable for rehab. Alexia had a photographic memory and she was a profoundly smart. And like most geniuses she was rather one sided. Smart at what she is a genius at and rather helpless at anything else. But she was incredibly smart in that she had a miraculous photographic memory. A memory that was also a curse as she never forgot anything. I was always amazed that Alexia could sit for hours and read books with that strange look in her eyes, except there was not a book in her hands. I could listen to her forever. She could remember every book she had ever read. Word for word and it was not her words, she was repeating the authors words verbatim, from some book she had read who knows how long ago.
When I met her I was in my hospital bed and had recently come out of a coma.
She was asking questions which I do not remember except that once I told her how while
unconscious I had been the benefactor of what I would call a religious experience. Except I think of religion as an after the fact, man made type of thing, institutionalized orthodox and mechanical, for lack of a better word, religion. A petty bible beating preacher in a tent revival comes to mind. Constantine or King James come to mind, money grabbing and power and hypocrisy also come to mind so it was not a religious experience but an insight, a true visit with God. And it was real, beautiful and cool.
I told Alexia that I had heard God speak to me.
God said: “Jack, you are in pretty bad shape but you are not quite dead so you are going back to the world, but first there is someone here you might want to see. They want to see you very much and they are right here.”
I told her, “I felt an urge to look to my right and there was my long dead Walker Hound Cotton Joe"! I couldn’t see God when he spoke to me but I could see Joe"!
{Cotton Joe story} *
Alexia listened and did not interrupt but was very attentive and sweet.
My dad upon hearing the same story would say something like bullxxxx!
But Alexia evidently believed in the concept of a God and also knew enough psychology to when in doubt to just let it go.
Alexia said “ Jack when were your dogs all killed?”
I did not respond,
she repeated her question,
“Jack, when were all your dogs killed”
and I said 1990… March…
Alexia said Jack “that was 12 years ago “
Silence…
and she repeated the statement
“Jack that was 12 years ago!“ like I had not heard her.
And I said, “it was 12 years ago to you but to me it was yesterday, It will always be yesterday.” I burst into tears.
I had been in rehab for a month or two when Alexia asked me to meet her in a private office.
I really don’t remember where but she came in and the first thing she said was:
“Jack, I’ll bet you want to kill that guy who killed all your dogs.”
I said “naw”.
She paused and repeated:
“But I‘ll bet that you would like to kill that guy who killed all your dogs and gave me a long look.
Bad off as I was I recognized a set up when I saw one. And I said “no, think I should?”
Oh no! Alexia said: I never said or even thought that! I never implied or in any way suggested any thing like that! Oh no, followed by a long pause.
Then: “But I’d bet you want to kill the guy that killed all your dogs.”
I thought to myself:
So Alexia wants to hear a gross story.
So I said: “No, he’d not get off that easy”
Alexia thought I had not understood and said:
Jack I said kill him, as if to say, what could be worse than being killed?
I looked up at her and back down, after a long stare and a deep breath, I went on.
{inwardly I was smiling}
Oh, I would grab him by the neck, kick his feet out from under him. Take him down and choke him till he passed out like you would an errant mule. Tie his hands behind him and to a tree with a piece of wire or whatever was at hand. Go get Sugarmay my horse and drag him back in the woods, way back in the woods where no one can hear him squall. Old Red my mule won’t pull. And go back to my house and barn and get a 'come a long', a winch, rope, my channel locks, a hammer, soap and water, towel, lighter and an ice chest full of my homebrew. Go on down and build a fire and crank him up in a tree with my come a long, by one hind leg, leaving the other to dangle. Whip out my skinning knife and big pliers, cut off his ears, nose, eyelids, lips, and break all his fingers and toes, and knock out his dxxx teeth. The ones in the back I couldn't reach I would knock off at gum level with my hammer and chisel, each of the above, at 15 minute intervals. Make it last all night long, in between, sit by the fire and drink my homebrew, and listen to him squall, you know, enjoy it.
About this time I happened to look up at Alexia and she was turning green! And had a look of such horror in her eyes that I figured I had better ease off a little on the grossness of the story. So I basically just finished the guy off. “I’d whip out my skinning knife again and rip his gut from chin to crotch.” Grab his heart, lungs, liver, and intestines and pull them out in a pile in the dirt.” “Where they were still connected to him only by his esophagus, and wash my hands, you know, real good! Open a cold homebrew and sit down on my milk crate and gaze deep in his eyes.” I had my best crazy expression in my eyes, and turned my head a little to change the focus and said:
“So I could see what was going on in there as they glaze over.”
Alexia was totally flipped out, all emotional and shaking,
Alexia said:
“That’s the most horrible thing I have ever heard spoken in the English language!”
I was sitting and looking down at my feet, I paused about ten seconds nodded and said real quite: “yeah.”
Her voice was shaking, her hands too! She left the room and never came back! I don’t really remember how long I stayed, but I’m sure that after a while I went back to class. Later that day I was in Doctor Thomas’s office. I don’t remember why or how I happened to be there but Dr. Thomas was telling me:
“Jack, Alexia was so hysterical, so upset about what you told her that I had to shoot her up
with a ton of strong sedatives and put her to bed in the hospital! ” Right now she is asleep, she will sleep for 48 hours. I smiled, looked him in the eye and said “yeah right" and looking furtively around behind me said quietly:
Got any more?
Smiled, paused and held up my hands, just kidding, just kidding!”
No! he went on, I’m not kidding! “What did you tell her?”
I looked in his eyes again and realized he might be serious, so I repeated how she had asked to hear a gross story. I began acting like I was going through a card file with all my fingers,
lets see, gross story, gross story, and the Doctor said Jack, what are you doing?
I explained that I was scanning my memory files for a gross story as they were not digitalized yet. I keep cooking recipes on cards in a green metal box too. Let’s see, gross story’s, gross story’s, here’s a good one! Really gross too! And pretended to lift a card out of the file smiling.
You keep all your story’s on file?
No, why?
I don’t understand.
Doctor, I am just symbolically scanning my memory. I could drum my fingers, or roll my eyes back and hum if you prefer.
No that’s alright, the Doc said.
I added “Doc, actually now that I think about it, it was an unusual request as women generally do not like gross stories, at least I have never known one that did.” “I respect Alexia and am sorry if I flipped her out but I really thought Alexia wanted to hear a gross story till she started turning green in the middle of it, well, no… not green exactly, sort of umm chartreuse, yeah. I rolled my eyes up, shook my head, and said “women!”
And Doctor Thomas laughed
“That’s just like Alexia to not turn some shade of green like everybody else but a more fashionable shade of chartreuse!
“I suspect someone put Alexia up to that, was that you?” From now on if you want to hear a gross story don’t send Alexia, she is a genius and as such is very sensitive.
The Doctor laughed.
Send Louis or just ask. “I shook my head back and forth, back and forth and said in a normal voice, something like “I have almost an even million of them memorized.”
And Doctor Thomas got it, he said, “Jimmy Durante! "I got a million of them"!”
I smiled and said very good, very good your getting it Doc!
The doctor said “Jack, would you really do that to someone?
And I said “are you kidding? To a stranger walking down the street? Hell no! It would be unthinkable! I would be more inclined to die myself to protect them from some evil like well, like those Hall brothers.
No, I mean the man who killed all your dogs?
“Oh, them hell yes, in a second. So would you!
No! Jack I am a doctor I just help people.
I looked at his eyes for a long time, my smile faded and I said:
“ Doc, these are not people, they are evil".
You and I are incapable of even conceiving the depths of evil in these, things.
Their not people they are the devil incarnate you can see it in their eyes.
Pure naked smirking evil.
"Ayn Rand", the doctor said.
I really hate to think what you would be capable of coming up with, you being a Doctor and all,” “some really weird 'sxxx' no doubt.”
“Jack what do you call that kind of death, that torture?
“Well, it doesn’t have a name.
Well, it needs a name I have to put down something.
Well, just make one up. You can make up a name as well as I can. Go on, make up a name your a bright young feller.”
Doctor Thomas laughed and said:
“ Davy Crockett and the river pirates!”
“Jack I want you to make up a name for it, it is your torture.”
Alright then, uh… Hamilton … slow death… …uh …number forty four.
"I looked up at the Doctor matter of factly .
“Is there a Hamilton slow death #43?
I rolled my eyes and said, with my palm up, No.
“Well then why do you call it the Hamilton slow death #44? It seems to me…
“See! There you go again.”
Doctor Thomas: “Aaahhh! Ronald Reagan’s quote from the Mondale debate!”
Me: You insist I name it then you start picking on the name!
Make up your own 'dxxx' name!
Go on! make up a name, you a bright young feller!”
A bright young feller, like in Davy Crockett and the river pirates again!
“Actually that story I told Alexia was not the Hamilton slow death #44.”
No, why.
I told you that Alexia was turning green and I had to clean it up some at the end so…
Jack, what did you clean up? It was a pretty horrible torture.
“Well, where I whipped out my old skinning knife, and ripped his gut from chin to crotch and basically gutted him.
Yeah.
That is not the Hamilton slow death #44.
Why?
Being gutted is not a slow death, it’s relatively fast actually.
Don’t you ever clean fish?
"No Jack, the restaurant where I eat cleans my fish".
“But Jack, where did you hear of this horrible torture?
“I just made it up.
When?
Then! Alexia wanted to hear…
I know, but how? Where did it come from?
“O.K. uh, part from an old Burt Lancaster movie, Ulzana’s raid.
” About an Apache raiding party that leaves the reservation under the war leader Ulzana
and goes on a rampage, killing and burning and torturing the enemy’s of their blood,
the white devils you know. They all know they are going to die anyway.
Causing as much pain, and killing as many of their enemy as they can before they are killed themselves, so that their spirits can go to the happy hunting ground and be at peace, of course!”
Burt Lancaster!
And part from a book about Vietnam, Devils Guard”
Where at the end of world war two the French foreign legion enlisted a few thousand former German troops, “who”, as they would say, “managed to escape the hangman,”
a lot of them former SS, and those guys…
Jack, how did you “clean up” the story?
I looked down and holding my hands out with my palms up said: “Well now, I ain’t no Doctor.”
Doctor Thomas laughed out loud and said:
Are you sure? I would have never guessed, I thought you were a doctor.
“I mean, you may have surmised that...”
Laughing, the doctor said what does surmised mean?
I looked down, back and forth, nervously, my eye’s wide.
And said: uh, I dunno, I, I just a heered it summers.”
Looked back up at him and said:
“It ain’t dirty is it?”
Doctor Thomas laughed like a crazy man, and said:
"Right out of Sergeant York"!
Heered!
Heered!
What kind of English is that!”
Heered it summers!
A quote from Sergent York and Davy Crockett, two quotes from two different sources in a three word sentence!!!
I was impressed and complemented the doctor, very good Doc!
Old Pusher! Yeah! Now your getting it Doc. The guy who after being killed in Sergeant York ended up being Gladis Kravitz’s husband in bewitched! The only other acting job he eve had. “Glades! Get away from the window!
Gades! Stop spying on the neighbors!
Abner Kravitz! Doctor Thomas said, I never made that connection.
Yes Abner! Very good Doc.
Are you sure you are not a Doctor the Doctor said?
I held up my hand with a sincere look like a boy scout taking an oath, crossed my heart with an “x’ with my right fore finger and held up my hand again palm out and nodded with a serious expression like I was swearing.
Jack, the Doctor said, That’s an “x” not a cross.
Isn’t an x a cross?
No an x is a x and a cross is a cross.
Jesus, pick, pick, pick!
“Whatever, anyway, I ain’t no Doctor.”
And said with my best Amos and Andy, accent:
“But wayyy it’s beenatoll to meee.”
Amos and Andy! The Doctor said: Jack, how many words is that?
What? B.e.e.n. T.o.l.d. two words, why?
Go on,
“Hmmm, Well I ain’t no Doctor, but way it’s been a toll to me. To hack! a Mans! Chest! Open, and pull out his,” I made a grabbing action with both hands,
right hand, heart, left, lungs, right, liver and left, intestines out, leaning back and pulling with all my weight and making a tearing sound, my arms tight, and with each pull, rip, rip, rip, finally putting my left foot against the wall, leaning back and pulling hard, grimacing, over and over I pulled, rip, rip, rip, rip, with the appropriate expression one wears when pulling out an armload of slippery guts, “guts, out in the dirt.” I looked down with my eyes wide eyes kind of rolled back, and holding my hands out and breathing, and 'a scannin that there' there three foot wide imaginary pile of guts to the right and the left, swallowing hard. I imperceptibly began to rub my hands on my pants legs like I was wiping the blood off them, up and down slowly, and looking right into the doctors eyes with my best Harry Carry Sr. crazy look.
And said after holding his eyes for three more long, slow up and down hand wiping rubs,
“Is generally fatal.”
He held my look and we gazed in each others eyes a long time and after three or four more wipes with my hands flat on my pants. I turned them and wiped the backs of my hands down three times, very slowly down, down, down. And then reached behind my pants and grabbing the last clean material between my thumb and fingers and cleaning my fingers, with my best crazy look and never smiling never loosing eye contact.
Doctor Thomas said:
“I see you cleaning the blood and guts off your hands and onto your pants.
I smiled for the first time as the doctor evidently got it and not to mention was somewhat relieved. We laughed together and were friends forever after that.
Doctor Thomas laughed very hard and very long and well! I got him!
I was on a comedy roll! As a bad stand up comic it was my best performance ever!
Doctor Thomas was hysterical! He said:
“I would love to go with you and your friends, riding your motorcycles all night and getting drunk as….drunk as…
Lords?
Lords, no,
Dogs?
Dogs yes, “Drunk as dogs just once before I die! I would really love that!
"But I have too much responsibility” The doctor said:
Sure you are not a doctor?
Doc, said I:
If you gain one idea from me during the time you have known me, I would like to recommend a book… “The Ben Lilly Legend”
Who is the author, the Doc said?
J. Frank Dobie.
The Doc looked deep into my eyes with a look that could have only been recognition.
You know professor Dobie, I said: I can see it in your eyes. And it is obvious that you admire professor Dobie.
Doctor Thomas said yes, I have or I thought I had read everything Dobie wrote but I never heard of that one.
Dobie is no Wino.
The Doctor laughed and said no, Dobie is no wino. Sure you are not a Doctor?
Me showing the palm again, holding my right hand up, with the innocent look,
pursed lips and wide eyes. He knew I had been kidding,
I did have him really going for a while.
Didn’t I?
Thank you
J. Winters von Knife
www.wordcounttool.com/
3305 words
I had another Doctor, a gastro-intestinal Doctor who told a medical student: "All you have to do is to mention Jack Hamilton's name and Doctor Thomas starts laughing and is incapable of further conversation, you just have to walk away. And if you walk by after 10-15 minutes he is still standing there by the elevators laughing".
Gentlemen,
This is a true story.
As far as a proper category, a guy gets tortured but it isn't horror,
it is funny but it isn't humor, is it a short story?
I am still trying to figure that one out.
2001, I woke up from a coma in Baylor Hospital.
It had been five weeks since the wreck and my motorcycle was gone.
Good bye Old Thunder.
The Torture Story
Alexia was the first therapist I met in the hospital.
She came over to meet me in the hospital when I was still in bed and said something about seeing if I was suitable for rehab. Alexia had a photographic memory and she was a profoundly smart. And like most geniuses she was rather one sided. Smart at what she is a genius at and rather helpless at anything else. But she was incredibly smart in that she had a miraculous photographic memory. A memory that was also a curse as she never forgot anything. I was always amazed that Alexia could sit for hours and read books with that strange look in her eyes, except there was not a book in her hands. I could listen to her forever. She could remember every book she had ever read. Word for word and it was not her words, she was repeating the authors words verbatim, from some book she had read who knows how long ago.
When I met her I was in my hospital bed and had recently come out of a coma.
She was asking questions which I do not remember except that once I told her how while
unconscious I had been the benefactor of what I would call a religious experience. Except I think of religion as an after the fact, man made type of thing, institutionalized orthodox and mechanical, for lack of a better word, religion. A petty bible beating preacher in a tent revival comes to mind. Constantine or King James come to mind, money grabbing and power and hypocrisy also come to mind so it was not a religious experience but an insight, a true visit with God. And it was real, beautiful and cool.
I told Alexia that I had heard God speak to me.
God said: “Jack, you are in pretty bad shape but you are not quite dead so you are going back to the world, but first there is someone here you might want to see. They want to see you very much and they are right here.”
I told her, “I felt an urge to look to my right and there was my long dead Walker Hound Cotton Joe"! I couldn’t see God when he spoke to me but I could see Joe"!
{Cotton Joe story} *
Alexia listened and did not interrupt but was very attentive and sweet.
My dad upon hearing the same story would say something like bullxxxx!
But Alexia evidently believed in the concept of a God and also knew enough psychology to when in doubt to just let it go.
Alexia said “ Jack when were your dogs all killed?”
I did not respond,
she repeated her question,
“Jack, when were all your dogs killed”
and I said 1990… March…
Alexia said Jack “that was 12 years ago “
Silence…
and she repeated the statement
“Jack that was 12 years ago!“ like I had not heard her.
And I said, “it was 12 years ago to you but to me it was yesterday, It will always be yesterday.” I burst into tears.
I had been in rehab for a month or two when Alexia asked me to meet her in a private office.
I really don’t remember where but she came in and the first thing she said was:
“Jack, I’ll bet you want to kill that guy who killed all your dogs.”
I said “naw”.
She paused and repeated:
“But I‘ll bet that you would like to kill that guy who killed all your dogs and gave me a long look.
Bad off as I was I recognized a set up when I saw one. And I said “no, think I should?”
Oh no! Alexia said: I never said or even thought that! I never implied or in any way suggested any thing like that! Oh no, followed by a long pause.
Then: “But I’d bet you want to kill the guy that killed all your dogs.”
I thought to myself:
So Alexia wants to hear a gross story.
So I said: “No, he’d not get off that easy”
Alexia thought I had not understood and said:
Jack I said kill him, as if to say, what could be worse than being killed?
I looked up at her and back down, after a long stare and a deep breath, I went on.
{inwardly I was smiling}
Oh, I would grab him by the neck, kick his feet out from under him. Take him down and choke him till he passed out like you would an errant mule. Tie his hands behind him and to a tree with a piece of wire or whatever was at hand. Go get Sugarmay my horse and drag him back in the woods, way back in the woods where no one can hear him squall. Old Red my mule won’t pull. And go back to my house and barn and get a 'come a long', a winch, rope, my channel locks, a hammer, soap and water, towel, lighter and an ice chest full of my homebrew. Go on down and build a fire and crank him up in a tree with my come a long, by one hind leg, leaving the other to dangle. Whip out my skinning knife and big pliers, cut off his ears, nose, eyelids, lips, and break all his fingers and toes, and knock out his dxxx teeth. The ones in the back I couldn't reach I would knock off at gum level with my hammer and chisel, each of the above, at 15 minute intervals. Make it last all night long, in between, sit by the fire and drink my homebrew, and listen to him squall, you know, enjoy it.
About this time I happened to look up at Alexia and she was turning green! And had a look of such horror in her eyes that I figured I had better ease off a little on the grossness of the story. So I basically just finished the guy off. “I’d whip out my skinning knife again and rip his gut from chin to crotch.” Grab his heart, lungs, liver, and intestines and pull them out in a pile in the dirt.” “Where they were still connected to him only by his esophagus, and wash my hands, you know, real good! Open a cold homebrew and sit down on my milk crate and gaze deep in his eyes.” I had my best crazy expression in my eyes, and turned my head a little to change the focus and said:
“So I could see what was going on in there as they glaze over.”
Alexia was totally flipped out, all emotional and shaking,
Alexia said:
“That’s the most horrible thing I have ever heard spoken in the English language!”
I was sitting and looking down at my feet, I paused about ten seconds nodded and said real quite: “yeah.”
Her voice was shaking, her hands too! She left the room and never came back! I don’t really remember how long I stayed, but I’m sure that after a while I went back to class. Later that day I was in Doctor Thomas’s office. I don’t remember why or how I happened to be there but Dr. Thomas was telling me:
“Jack, Alexia was so hysterical, so upset about what you told her that I had to shoot her up
with a ton of strong sedatives and put her to bed in the hospital! ” Right now she is asleep, she will sleep for 48 hours. I smiled, looked him in the eye and said “yeah right" and looking furtively around behind me said quietly:
Got any more?
Smiled, paused and held up my hands, just kidding, just kidding!”
No! he went on, I’m not kidding! “What did you tell her?”
I looked in his eyes again and realized he might be serious, so I repeated how she had asked to hear a gross story. I began acting like I was going through a card file with all my fingers,
lets see, gross story, gross story, and the Doctor said Jack, what are you doing?
I explained that I was scanning my memory files for a gross story as they were not digitalized yet. I keep cooking recipes on cards in a green metal box too. Let’s see, gross story’s, gross story’s, here’s a good one! Really gross too! And pretended to lift a card out of the file smiling.
You keep all your story’s on file?
No, why?
I don’t understand.
Doctor, I am just symbolically scanning my memory. I could drum my fingers, or roll my eyes back and hum if you prefer.
No that’s alright, the Doc said.
I added “Doc, actually now that I think about it, it was an unusual request as women generally do not like gross stories, at least I have never known one that did.” “I respect Alexia and am sorry if I flipped her out but I really thought Alexia wanted to hear a gross story till she started turning green in the middle of it, well, no… not green exactly, sort of umm chartreuse, yeah. I rolled my eyes up, shook my head, and said “women!”
And Doctor Thomas laughed
“That’s just like Alexia to not turn some shade of green like everybody else but a more fashionable shade of chartreuse!
“I suspect someone put Alexia up to that, was that you?” From now on if you want to hear a gross story don’t send Alexia, she is a genius and as such is very sensitive.
The Doctor laughed.
Send Louis or just ask. “I shook my head back and forth, back and forth and said in a normal voice, something like “I have almost an even million of them memorized.”
And Doctor Thomas got it, he said, “Jimmy Durante! "I got a million of them"!”
I smiled and said very good, very good your getting it Doc!
The doctor said “Jack, would you really do that to someone?
And I said “are you kidding? To a stranger walking down the street? Hell no! It would be unthinkable! I would be more inclined to die myself to protect them from some evil like well, like those Hall brothers.
No, I mean the man who killed all your dogs?
“Oh, them hell yes, in a second. So would you!
No! Jack I am a doctor I just help people.
I looked at his eyes for a long time, my smile faded and I said:
“ Doc, these are not people, they are evil".
You and I are incapable of even conceiving the depths of evil in these, things.
Their not people they are the devil incarnate you can see it in their eyes.
Pure naked smirking evil.
"Ayn Rand", the doctor said.
I really hate to think what you would be capable of coming up with, you being a Doctor and all,” “some really weird 'sxxx' no doubt.”
“Jack what do you call that kind of death, that torture?
“Well, it doesn’t have a name.
Well, it needs a name I have to put down something.
Well, just make one up. You can make up a name as well as I can. Go on, make up a name your a bright young feller.”
Doctor Thomas laughed and said:
“ Davy Crockett and the river pirates!”
“Jack I want you to make up a name for it, it is your torture.”
Alright then, uh… Hamilton … slow death… …uh …number forty four.
"I looked up at the Doctor matter of factly .
“Is there a Hamilton slow death #43?
I rolled my eyes and said, with my palm up, No.
“Well then why do you call it the Hamilton slow death #44? It seems to me…
“See! There you go again.”
Doctor Thomas: “Aaahhh! Ronald Reagan’s quote from the Mondale debate!”
Me: You insist I name it then you start picking on the name!
Make up your own 'dxxx' name!
Go on! make up a name, you a bright young feller!”
A bright young feller, like in Davy Crockett and the river pirates again!
“Actually that story I told Alexia was not the Hamilton slow death #44.”
No, why.
I told you that Alexia was turning green and I had to clean it up some at the end so…
Jack, what did you clean up? It was a pretty horrible torture.
“Well, where I whipped out my old skinning knife, and ripped his gut from chin to crotch and basically gutted him.
Yeah.
That is not the Hamilton slow death #44.
Why?
Being gutted is not a slow death, it’s relatively fast actually.
Don’t you ever clean fish?
"No Jack, the restaurant where I eat cleans my fish".
“But Jack, where did you hear of this horrible torture?
“I just made it up.
When?
Then! Alexia wanted to hear…
I know, but how? Where did it come from?
“O.K. uh, part from an old Burt Lancaster movie, Ulzana’s raid.
” About an Apache raiding party that leaves the reservation under the war leader Ulzana
and goes on a rampage, killing and burning and torturing the enemy’s of their blood,
the white devils you know. They all know they are going to die anyway.
Causing as much pain, and killing as many of their enemy as they can before they are killed themselves, so that their spirits can go to the happy hunting ground and be at peace, of course!”
Burt Lancaster!
And part from a book about Vietnam, Devils Guard”
Where at the end of world war two the French foreign legion enlisted a few thousand former German troops, “who”, as they would say, “managed to escape the hangman,”
a lot of them former SS, and those guys…
Jack, how did you “clean up” the story?
I looked down and holding my hands out with my palms up said: “Well now, I ain’t no Doctor.”
Doctor Thomas laughed out loud and said:
Are you sure? I would have never guessed, I thought you were a doctor.
“I mean, you may have surmised that...”
Laughing, the doctor said what does surmised mean?
I looked down, back and forth, nervously, my eye’s wide.
And said: uh, I dunno, I, I just a heered it summers.”
Looked back up at him and said:
“It ain’t dirty is it?”
Doctor Thomas laughed like a crazy man, and said:
"Right out of Sergeant York"!
Heered!
Heered!
What kind of English is that!”
Heered it summers!
A quote from Sergent York and Davy Crockett, two quotes from two different sources in a three word sentence!!!
I was impressed and complemented the doctor, very good Doc!
Old Pusher! Yeah! Now your getting it Doc. The guy who after being killed in Sergeant York ended up being Gladis Kravitz’s husband in bewitched! The only other acting job he eve had. “Glades! Get away from the window!
Gades! Stop spying on the neighbors!
Abner Kravitz! Doctor Thomas said, I never made that connection.
Yes Abner! Very good Doc.
Are you sure you are not a Doctor the Doctor said?
I held up my hand with a sincere look like a boy scout taking an oath, crossed my heart with an “x’ with my right fore finger and held up my hand again palm out and nodded with a serious expression like I was swearing.
Jack, the Doctor said, That’s an “x” not a cross.
Isn’t an x a cross?
No an x is a x and a cross is a cross.
Jesus, pick, pick, pick!
“Whatever, anyway, I ain’t no Doctor.”
And said with my best Amos and Andy, accent:
“But wayyy it’s beenatoll to meee.”
Amos and Andy! The Doctor said: Jack, how many words is that?
What? B.e.e.n. T.o.l.d. two words, why?
Go on,
“Hmmm, Well I ain’t no Doctor, but way it’s been a toll to me. To hack! a Mans! Chest! Open, and pull out his,” I made a grabbing action with both hands,
right hand, heart, left, lungs, right, liver and left, intestines out, leaning back and pulling with all my weight and making a tearing sound, my arms tight, and with each pull, rip, rip, rip, finally putting my left foot against the wall, leaning back and pulling hard, grimacing, over and over I pulled, rip, rip, rip, rip, with the appropriate expression one wears when pulling out an armload of slippery guts, “guts, out in the dirt.” I looked down with my eyes wide eyes kind of rolled back, and holding my hands out and breathing, and 'a scannin that there' there three foot wide imaginary pile of guts to the right and the left, swallowing hard. I imperceptibly began to rub my hands on my pants legs like I was wiping the blood off them, up and down slowly, and looking right into the doctors eyes with my best Harry Carry Sr. crazy look.
And said after holding his eyes for three more long, slow up and down hand wiping rubs,
“Is generally fatal.”
He held my look and we gazed in each others eyes a long time and after three or four more wipes with my hands flat on my pants. I turned them and wiped the backs of my hands down three times, very slowly down, down, down. And then reached behind my pants and grabbing the last clean material between my thumb and fingers and cleaning my fingers, with my best crazy look and never smiling never loosing eye contact.
Doctor Thomas said:
“I see you cleaning the blood and guts off your hands and onto your pants.
I smiled for the first time as the doctor evidently got it and not to mention was somewhat relieved. We laughed together and were friends forever after that.
Doctor Thomas laughed very hard and very long and well! I got him!
I was on a comedy roll! As a bad stand up comic it was my best performance ever!
Doctor Thomas was hysterical! He said:
“I would love to go with you and your friends, riding your motorcycles all night and getting drunk as….drunk as…
Lords?
Lords, no,
Dogs?
Dogs yes, “Drunk as dogs just once before I die! I would really love that!
"But I have too much responsibility” The doctor said:
Sure you are not a doctor?
Doc, said I:
If you gain one idea from me during the time you have known me, I would like to recommend a book… “The Ben Lilly Legend”
Who is the author, the Doc said?
J. Frank Dobie.
The Doc looked deep into my eyes with a look that could have only been recognition.
You know professor Dobie, I said: I can see it in your eyes. And it is obvious that you admire professor Dobie.
Doctor Thomas said yes, I have or I thought I had read everything Dobie wrote but I never heard of that one.
Dobie is no Wino.
The Doctor laughed and said no, Dobie is no wino. Sure you are not a Doctor?
Me showing the palm again, holding my right hand up, with the innocent look,
pursed lips and wide eyes. He knew I had been kidding,
I did have him really going for a while.
Didn’t I?
Thank you
J. Winters von Knife
www.wordcounttool.com/
3305 words
I had another Doctor, a gastro-intestinal Doctor who told a medical student: "All you have to do is to mention Jack Hamilton's name and Doctor Thomas starts laughing and is incapable of further conversation, you just have to walk away. And if you walk by after 10-15 minutes he is still standing there by the elevators laughing".